December 19, 2014

I've written and erased drafts for this post all morning. The right words are impossible to find when you're trying to convey something so largely unexplainable, something so beautifully earthshattering, heartbreaking, and amazing at the same time.

I've told the story of Decemer 19, 2014 numerous times because I remember so vividly every last aspect of that day, from the way my hand shook so vigorously as I held the phone recieving the news, to the feeling of falling to the cold green tile on bathroom floor shortly after. I remember the look upon Jeremy's face that I don't think I have ever or will ever see again, and the way my dads grey work sweatshirt smelt as I fell apart in his arms. I remember sitting in the shower to lose all composure alone before my whole family came home to be together.

It was single handedly the hardest day of my life. Little did I know, it would turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

This past year has been orchestrated by God and for God.

It was December 19, 2014 that I realized I am not big enough on my own. And my dad, the man who has fixed every thing else in my life, was now on the bathroom floor lying next to me, crying hysterically - so utterly helpless and lost. WE needed something bigger. We were not enough on our own.

Eventually I came to the grips that perspective is power. I learned that prayer is not intended to fill our earthly needs. I learned to be truly grateful that God didn't give me what I wanted, but what I needed. I prayed for the strength and courage to carry out His plan and do His will - which is exactly what I got.

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Of course, what I felt called to do was against the norm. It wasn't easily attainable. It wasn't covered by insurance. It wasn't close to home. No oncologist I had met with even remotely supported the journey I wanted to take. And many of the people I love most in my life were hesitant to the idea as well. He led me to a path that forced me to surrender being aligned with this world and to align my life with Him.

There were days filled with pain, sorrow, and hurt. It wasn't sunshine and rainbows. There were swords pointed at me in many directions that a majority of people do not even know about. But learning to create my own sunshine is what got me through.

I never could have imagined how difficult it would be. I also never couldve imagined the amount of abundant blessings that could come from such a nasty disease. I never could've fathomed having my own blog, encouraging cancer patients around the world to fight with faith and positivity. I never could've dreamt that I would be finished with my first trimester of chiropractic school, living on my own again. It is truly a miracle to be living WITHOUT that grade 3 aggressive ovarian cancer, yet WITH all reproductive organs, the ability to be a mother some day, and a strong immune system. 

I want to thank everyone reading this, for your involvement on this journey. While many didn't quite understand or believe in the method I chose, you still offered words of encouragement and support. Being connected through my blog gave me something to really fight for. I wanted to fight to show that it CAN be done. That there IS more than one way to fight. That with God ALL things are possible, despite what the world may say.

Gratitude doesn't cover it and "thank you"  doesnt even scratch the surface. I feel extreme genuine compassion and appreciation for my family, who pulled together in my time of need, for my close friends who encouraged me, and for those who barely even know me - offering such incredible, selfless support.

Today is my first "Canciversary" and I'm celebrating all of those who believed in me. I've grown such a passion for turning darkness into light and I cannot wait to see what is in store for me next.

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making me feel so very loved every step of the way.