When I was younger I use to think that praying meant kneeling at the bedside, hands folded, eyes shut, reciting prayers that I had memorized, containing words I didn't really understand. Eventually.. I became a teenager and quit praying.
(Unless of course there was the rare and extreme importance for things like "Dear God, please help me get an A on this exam, and I'll go to church this weekend AND next weekend. Ok deal. You're the best. Amen")
Over the past few years, my spiritual journey has taught me that prayer is not about fulfilling my own wishes, but for asking God to align me with His will. I'm still not the kind that gets much out of kneeling at the bedside, because instead of praying I'm just thinking about what I need to do the next day, what I'm hungry for, or what was on twitter. If I do that, I end up saying some rehearsed prayer that "sounds" good but doesn't come from the heart. So learning how to pray was something I had to work at. I didn't realize that there were so many different ways to build a relationship with God.
A very wise woman told me shortly after my diagnosis, "When you can't find the words to pray… sing!" I don't even like to hear myself sing in the shower unless music is blaring, so I didn't quite just start belting out some gospel. But I've found a lot of really good Christian music that has moved mountains for me, espeically at treatment and on days like today. I listen to it in the morning when I get ready for the day, in between things, in headphones at treatment, and before bed some nights when I am so overwhelmed I can't even form a thought.
Tonight is one of those nights, as it is the night before my PET scan. All day I have been trying to prepare for the acceptance of whatever the next step may be. I have been thinking about the past six and a half weeks in Arizona and how much I have grown as a person. I am filled with gratitude and continually feel entirely blessed.
God is working through me and miraculous events have are taking place. Cancer has brought my relationship with Christ to greater depths than I'd ever imagined possible in my own life, and cancer has lead me to a personal chosen journey down a holistic path of integrative medicine that has me feeling the healthiest I have EVER felt. Those two statements being made, there is also no denying that God placed this illness in my life for good purpose. These two thoughts leave me speechless. How do I even begin to thank? How do I even begin to praise? How do I even begin to re-pay?
So I turned to the only way I know how to praise, pray, and thank without words…
I hope some of you might find comfort in these as well.