Well, It is safe to say that this Sunday takes the cake for hardest goodbye yet, as Jeremy left after a priceless couple of days. His presence was the very best medicine I could ask for. I am still amazed at how incredibly alive and loved he makes me feel. We made the most of each moment, thoroughly enjoying each others company (even though we still agree to disagree about who did better in mini golf). He came to treatment and class with me on Thursday and we had the rest of the weekend off to enjoy Arizona. It took a little convincing, but we even went to Pomegranate, my favorite raw vegan restaurant. He actually loved it, but he may have enjoyed his dessert (a little) more yesterday while we watched the Hawks game in Scottsdale :). The best part about Jeremy is that even with everything that has been thrown our way, he still treats me with the same love and respect, at an even deeper level. It's pretty amazing, how cancer has not broken down any aspect of our relationship, it has only made us that much stronger.
While the weekend was so entirely fantastic, the reality is that things are not getting easier. In fact, they are getting harder and harder as my diagnosis becomes more prominent, and also as the definition of homesick has been brought to an entirely new level. The longer I am here, the more "real" it feels. I try pretty hard to quiet any inner voices that aren't positive, but I'm learning that it is okay to not be okay all of the time. Part of being strong is knowing when it is okay to be weak. And while I am truly grateful for every aspect of my journey, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't terrifying at times. It is not easy. I find myself longing for the comfort of familiarity and predictability of home and how life use to be. But I think that's normal in any transitional phase. We get brought to a new and an unfamiliar place in life and our instinct tells us to look back, to go back, and to settle for what is comfortable. Which is just funny, isn't it? We find ourselves asking, sometimes even begging, God to bring us back to what's comfortable and safe, knowing that He placed this trial along our path for a purpose. I know that these hard days are apart of my journey. And while they sometimes absolutely suck, at the end of the day, I am thankful for them because they make "good" days fantastic. They make me human. They make my journey authentic and relatable. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows, but who says it should be? It is because of the tough moments that I find time with my loved ones even more special, phone calls much more important, hand written letters so much more valuable, the use-to-be-dreadful snow in Iowa so much more homey, and each day with health as a much bigger blessing than I ever have before.
"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain the craziness inside myself or anyone else. But guess what? Sunday is my favorite day again."