So I was sitting in my chair today at treatment, getting some therapeutic IV vitamin C which takes about eight years to fully drip (okay maybe like three hours). Anyway, I ran out of articles to read, all social media had been refreshed at least five times, and I was aimlessly swiping through my apps on my phone when I realized the date. March 19: three months since I was diagnosed. It hit me like a freight train. To most people it's just another date, but even just reading it on my calendar made my heart sink as I was completely overwhelmed and taken back by all that has happened such a short amount of time. I reflected on the days following December 19, that eventually ran into weeks, which turned into months. I remember every single silly detail about December 19th. But what's funny is how I woke up that morning never knowing that day would be significant, especially not significant enough to change my entire life. But three months ago my new life began with a simple phone call. I actually hung up the phone, refusing to believe that it wasn't just a bad dream. I did NOT want to give up my protected life, where my biggest worry was an upcoming exam or what I was going to wear out on a Friday night. Because after you are given that news, there is no going back and saying "Eh.. Thanks but no thanks, cancer, maybe some other time." You are forced to figure out how you are going to stand up and fight for your faith, for your God, and for your life. I didn't ask for cancer and I couldn't have ever planned for it. Because "Extremely Rare Germ Cell Ovarian Cancer" sure as heck was not ever written in ANY of my three OCD planners. I've begged for guidance. I've begged for strength. I've begged to be emptied of myself and to be filled with His will. And while there isn't a whole lot that I would call beautiful about the fear-based life threatening disease, there is beauty in the chaos. I never would expect to say that. And some of you may disagree with me. But this journey is beautiful. God has answered me ten fold. He has shown me WHY this is happening to me. He has shown me the PURPOSE all of this pain will have in my future. He has shown me HOW to get through, by giving me the guidance and faith I need to press on. He has shown me how truly BLESSED and loved I am in this life through the endless showers of support from all of you.
These past three months haven't been even close to what I would define as easy or fun. And I'm sure the next three months will not be any cake walk either. But this is my beautiful, fearless, unpredictable story that God is writing for me. Sometimes I wonder if he needs a better editor. (He hollers out, "PLOT TWIST" way too frequently). But I can feel my life transforming as I let go of my own earthly capabilities and place my trust in Him. I know that every step of this journey has genuine purpose in my future. I will use it to help others, sharing even the most personal details of my path with them.
Thank you for making this journey in Arizona possible. I truly do not think I would have this attitude without all that I have learned here. Thank you for supporting my decision that I felt was the right route for me to heal. Thank you for believing in me, that I am bigger than this cancer, and that my life is just beginning.
It use to devastate me to hear that 70% of women diagnosed with ovarian cancer die within 5 years of their diagnosis. But I now have enough fiest and faith in me to say proudly that I AM going to show those statistics, not only who's boss, but who my God is.
He is the only one capable of writing my expiration date.