It's real. It's happening.
Today is the big day.
Decisions have been made.
Surgery will be at KU Med at 2:30 and will last about four hours. I have a wonderful gyn-oncology surgeon who has become dear to my heart in such a short amount of time. Unfortunately, the incision will need to be absolutely everything I was afraid of, a vertical incision down the center of my abdomen ending at my pubic bone. However, this will be the best opportunity for the surgeon to perform a complete staging surgery. Post op involves a 5 day hospital stay and an 8 week recovery period.
Due to PET scan results, gut feelings, and intuition - I'll be saying goodbye to both ovaries. This means:
Goodbye to the ability to have children
Goodbye to the youthful hormones
Goodbye to the "normal" looking abdomen
Saying it all out loud is a reality check, but knowing that in a matter of hours it will all be permanent is an even bigger reality check. My stomach is truly in knots like never before, because it is both a lose/lose AND a win/win situation, all at the same time.
I am scared. That is just reality. And I am very sad, as I'm saying goodbye to a lot of really amazing things I thought would always be "mine"... but I'm choosing to focus on the peace I will gain in a big way.
I want everyone to know how genuinely grateful I am for their continued support, as I have definitely needed it. I am so fortunate and I can feel the tremendous amount of love and prayer everyone is sending. Its the beginning of a long road to recovery but I am ready to take on whatever comes my way next. Having such amazing support makes this all a lot more bearable.
Yesterday, my parents were helping me get things ready to pack for the hospital. I was overwhelmed to the point of feeling physically ill, so I took a second to sit on the couch and make an organized document on my computer of what to pack (me, being OCD per usual). As I went into my "notes" app on my laptop, icloud did some sort of update and a new note popped up from history that was dated 12/28/14 (nine days after my initial diagnosis). It was everything I needed to hear and gave me sheer goosebumps how it all came about:
"Cancer is not meant to destroy.
Illness can sharpen your awareness of how thoroughly God has already and always will be at work in every detail of your life.
It has no final power if you are a child of the resurrection, so you can look it in the eye.
Cancer does not win if you die. It wins if you fail to cherish Christ in the fight."
So despite the fear, anxiety, ugly feelings that inevitably manifest,
I am ready to lay down for the ultimate physician to do His work of healing in my body.
I am ready to cast these cares into His hands and trust in His will for my life even though it does not make sense to me yet.
I will continue to share the good, the bad, and the painful... every step of the way.
Because I know this pain has a purpose.
And I know through my deepest wounds, I will find great healing.
It is here.
I am ready.
I won't hide my scars, I will wear them proudly as proof that God heals.
https://g.co/kgs/TUYgVb To God be the Glory,